Should I Regret?

Last night I receded to my dark bedroom. It was cold and filled with memories.

The(MY) depression ambushed me so I was caught off guard and wasn't ready to be surrendered.

My mind felt like it was trapped and soon after the pain from my mind transitioned into a physical pain. Simply put: "My mind was racing and my body was not at peace!!!!!"

My mind proceeded to ask and to play out many questions I wasn't ready to deal it.

• I've been struggling to figure out why I've been the talk of the family(for lack of better words) for not getting out of a situation that I put myself knee deep in. And the answer is: that I'm comfortable there and if I choose another path in my life journey I will gladly embrace it.
• I also think that I deserve fulfilment.
• Between 2-16yrs old my older brother used me as a punching bag while everyone watched as I was being degraded and felt less than a person who's capable of emotions.
• Growing up with my grandparents they made me feel like I was a difficult cross to bear.
• Around the age of 16 I was caught stealing money and was taken to a precinct. My entire family knew about it at the time and I never felt so alone and so embarrassed.

I'm a bit uncomfortable saying some of those conversation starters (above) because its like walking on egg shells and I prefer to pour it out here where no one can actually see me, and stare at me or make me feel judged in anyway way possible.

All I want is to express myself without repercussions, and not remain second best to no one.

yes this post is scattered but I'll trying to bring it together in the near future.