Violation

Insecurity combined with depression is horrible.

I didn't understand until a couple weeks ago that I was raped. For the past couple of days it hit me like a sledge hammer that this violation of my body actually happened. I was dumbfounded and wondered why I didn't recall this memory before. I placed the entire situation in the back of my mind and labeled it as just rough sex.. But for the past couple of days I realized that it wasn't and then I swung into a deep depression.  I kept feeling sorry for myself and played the part of the victim very well because I thought to myself that I deserve it.

It happened about 4-Years ago. I remember I went online via one of those dating websites and met a man on there. I'm gay and finding a straight man to conquer is an effort in my mind because you have to convince them to have sex with you. He wanted to try it and I quickly cleared my night schedule and met up with him. He came to my home and pick me up in a minivan and took me to his house somewhere in the Queens-Long Island Border.

At his home he performed analingus on me, lubed me up and slid inside of me and within a couple of minutes he was fucking me relentlessly!!! I don't know if its the thrill that made him so aggressive or the fact that I was not having sex with anyone (so I was extremely tight). It was over in about 10 minutes, I felt kind of used as soon as it was over and I just wanted to go home. While getting a ride home from him, the vehicle was quiet and he just blurted out: "I'll never fuck another dude again", I didn't know how to comprehend this because one part of my mind was saying: whatever dude and the other part was saying: that's what all straight guys say their first time experience.

After getting home I jumped in the shower and washed off the dirtiness from my body. My mind continued to express conflicting thoughts. One minute I was thinking: Maybe it was just rough sex and the next minute I was thinking "yeah definitely I was raped".

After years of suppressing the feelings I'm a little bit more clear and now I know for a fact that if your having consensual rough sex your anus is not supposed to feel ripped up for days on end and take weeks to heal.

Where should I go from here? I've never told anyone this..