Update

I cant concentrate and my body feels like its running on empty.

I haven't been able to put together a post for the past couple of days and more than likely I'll update sometime in the near future.

Laterz

Gone

About 30mins ago I got the call while sitting at my desk:

Ring Ring
Me: Hello
Family: I want you to be strong
Me: Why? Whats wrong?
Family: Your Aunt just passed away..
Me: Silence
Family: Are you still there?
Me: Yes I am
Family: O.K, I gotta go. I got a lot more calls to make and I'm sure my phone will be ringing off the hook all day today.
Me: O.k., bye

I leaned forward and started gazing at the computer screen, I soon felt an uncomfortable chill blow down my back then my hands started to shake uncontrollably!!! I felt like i needed to burst out with this uncontrolable rush of emotions but I couldn't.

In my line of work people see that as weakness and before long I'll be the subject at the water cooler. I put on my poker face, walked to my president's office and simply said "my aunt just passed away and I'll need to take care of some things tomorrow, I briskly walked back to my desk and now I'm looking at the clock on the wall and watching my world stand still as everything continues to move.

I'll be out of here in a couple of hours so I'll update tomorrow or Thursday.

How can I let GO

It seems that everyone I love dies. 16 Years ago my grandfather died, 9 Years ago my godmother died, 2 1/2 years ago my grand mother died and now my favorite aunt told me she's dying.

Right now she's only on pain medication to keep her comfortable. My heart is heavy with pain because not only do I know she's dying but knowing that I'll have to plan her funeral makes it even more harder. I knew it was coming but I didn't know it was going to be so soon.

I don't know which one I should do first: go to her home and pack her stuff up or plan the funeral. Her sisters are telling me pack her stuff up 1st but I cant imagine putting her stuff in boxes & containers then shoving it into storage, it will be like forgetting that she ever existed.

I was paying her bills, picking up her mail, checking on her apartment because I thought that she'll get better and come home but now the waiting game of her demise is to intense.

My aunt means the world to me, she's the one I can call when I'm having a bad day, when I cant sleep and when I just need to talk about anything.

She said to me that she doesn't want me to cry, she wants her funeral to be a celebration. But whats the use of having emotions if you cant use them?

I'm not sure if she'll make it to the end of march but what ever time I have left with her is something I'll cherish.

The Sunshine State

I was in Florida this past weekend. I arrived Saturday morning and was back in NYC by Monday night.

I never understood why I never like going there, but when I got there last weekend It actually hit me like a head on collision.

1. It's way too damn hot.
2. You need a vehicle to go everywhere. (In new york we get somewhere in minutes, were not based on hours or miles.) 
3. The tap water tastes like something died upstream and was decaying in it.
4. Most individuals believe in labels.  

Don't get me wrong, I like good stuff, expensive stuff, quality stuff but I don't spend my last dime on name brands and cant afford my rent.

There's a possibility because I visited homes in Ft. Pierce, Port St. Lucie, West Palm Beach & Miami that I may think this way but people need to get their priorities in order.
 
There's a lot of people without homes, individuals who cant afford basic health care, people who cant afford transportation to get to work to feed their family, and no parks or recreational facility in the area for kids to past their time to learn some basic skills and excel in creativity. In my opinion that's where people should be spending funds on or donating their time.

Don't even get me started on those St. Jude Children's Research Hospital advertisements..

But not everyone thinks like me, nor will 1-Person change the world so I'll just rant about it online then email a letter to my local congress representative and senator.

However, The best part about the trip was seeing a lot of trees, smelling fresh air, drinking bottle water, the food and hanging out with family.

Professional Virgin

Growing up in the church I had to act a certain way all the time, but when I turned 16 I branched away from my conservative christian upbringing and became what the members of my church would call a worldly person aka a sinner. I got tattoos, piercings and was even having sex with men (gasp)!!!!

Yet with all of that no one could of identified that I was a gentleman in the streets and a freak in the sheet (besides my partners).

Maybe it was just me rebelling? I don't know..

Between age 18-22 I was very promiscuous, having sex all the time and serial-dating/joggling about 4-5-men at a time with none of them knowing about each other. These men were either gay, bi or questioning, but my preference were straight men (The Clean Cut Jock Type, Military Type, Daddy Type & borderline Metro Sexual Type. I chose those types because other straight guys are just plain nasty, they don't know anything about what hygiene means). I liked the challenge of persuading them into having sex with me and hearing that infamous line "this is my first time", then have them call their wife and say "I'm never coming home" lol.

I have to say this though: I enjoyed sex a lot and I was even thinking about being a high price call boy, I started thinking: "I like sex, men pay for sex, why not sell sex instead of giving it away for free?" but after reading all these dangerous situations people get them self into like being robbed, set-up, jailed and/or raped I realized that the cons outweighed the pros.

Around age 22-23 I hanged up that "slut-jacket" and started having relationships. I wanted LOVE!!!

The feeling of having someone care about you that's not your immediate relative was exhilarating but at the same time my relationships were suffocating!! I don't like the feeling that I should answer to anyone(not that I had to), but when your having conversations like How was you day? Where did you go today? Call me when you get there etc those questions got tired fast.

I wanted love but I still wanted my independence, I think that's why most of my relationships probably ended.

Then age 25 came and I got news no-one would want to hear about their health so i decided to quit everything cold turkey.

NO Love, NO Sex, just me and hangela (my jacking off hand).

I don't miss those days, I'm just glad that I experienced it.

Brother Brother you disappointed me.

Late last week my brother & I needed to go food shopping, however every time we set a date he'd flake on me.

So Sunday he called and said he cant make it and told me that he's gonna take an extended lunch break on Monday and go with me (I was off yesterday). I prefer not going to a wholesale store (BJ's) alone because 8 out of 10 times some pervert will either be heckling me or gawking at me, I don't like feeling uncomfortable.

So yesterday he called me early around 8:00am and said he'll be leaving work around 12:30pm, I said "great" and ended the call. Around 12:35pm he called me and said he got stuck at work and most likely we'll go after 6:00pm when he get off. I said OK and disconnected the call.

6:15pm I text'd him to find out where he is and he responded saying: "Sorry but I had a previous engagement and wont be able to make it." I text'd him back saying "OK".

I then got dressed and left the house, catch the bus to the mall and walked about 3 1/2-Manhattan size blocks to BJ's. I got everything I wanted and bought him two items just because he's my brother and when he comes over to visit or spend the night I don't want to have him starving.

While waiting to catch the bus back home (in the dark w/street lights) I saw a man and a woman walking across the street towards me talking loudly, giggling and swinging a Target bag in their hand. I immediately recognized that voice and was shocked to know it was my brother. I'm not one to cause a scene unless necessary; however at that particular time too emotions was running through me and I was a lost for words, nevertheless the dominant emotion I felt was betrayal.

Him and I made eye contact from 100 feet away and his face just exhumed complete surprise, I turned my face away and continued looking towards the direction of the on-coming traffic. In the background I heard him and his female companion talking & within 5-minutes they disappeared, probably they went on the bus going towards his or her home. (Just some info: The girl is his girlfriend but he never introduced me to her because he claimed that he'll be ending it with her soon and there's no need for us to meet. I know its her because her photo is on his facebook page stating that he's in a relationship with her).

Yesterday I was angry at the fact that he kept changing the date with me but was even more displeased that he couldn't be honest with me. The vision of him wearing the jacket & shoes I bought him giggling with his girl friend sent me over the edge!!! At least I was strong enough to control my emotions.

Yes I know I sound kind of bitter but the BJ's & Target are on the same block!!

Well Today I feel no animosity towards him, I still intend to give him the two items I  bought for him without prejudice.

Sorry if theres any spelling errors and sentences not making sense but I had no time to proof it here at the office.