Ignorance brings Fear

As a 2010 man I know how to think outside the box and believe that exposure means education, but unfortunately my family is from a different generation. I was born in the 1980's and they were born in the 1940's & early 1950's so unless there working in the the Arts or Psychology department (which they aren't)they don't expose themselves to the mindset of our generation.

I think that 70% of my family have an idea that I'm gay even though we've never discussed it but I don't want to have two coming outs. Its one thing to be gay and another thing to be gay and sick, I cant shake the feeling of being frowned upon.

Knowing how they are I don't think I'll ever tell them about my condition.

Also, here's a promising quote I like to use: From my experiences I understand that when we know better we do better!

ChildHood

I recently had a flash back to when I was a child.

I remember my grand mother used to purchase carnation evaporated milk by the truck loads, and with every can she would cut out the labels(proof of purchase) and send them to some P.O.Box and get a free Carnation CookBook.

Every weekend she enlisted me and everyone else who was in the house to partake in the preparation of every recipe she can make in a two day weekend.

I think the best recipes she made were fudge, brownies, coconut tarts & coconut drops.

I cant say that those were great days because as a child I hated having to mix stuff, and now I think that even though it was a bit hard it still prepared me as an adult to understand the basics of baking and cooking etc.

UnAcceptable

What these guys are doing is crazy, why not do that when you get off work. Not on your lunch break etc!!! But on a lighter note: that Scott Garberding is kinda hot though.


Take a look...

Whoops

On Tuesday I got up early and went to MC Donald's for breakfast because I was in no mood to cook anything. As I entered the restaurant I saw 3 Guys at the table having breakfast, as I'm observing them I happen to lock eyes with the hottest one in the group. I brushed it off and went to the counter and ordered my meal. After ordering my meal the representative said that it would take 3-Min's to complete. I said: fine I'll come back in 3 Min's, can you please buzz me into the bathroom (I really needed to pee).

Walking towards the bathroom I saw the guy again but this time he was eye-f**king me while sipping with his coffee. I said to myself: "just because I find you attractive does not mean that I want to have sex with you!!" I then entered the bathroom and locked the door behind me, within 60 seconds of me in there I heard a knock. I quickly responded: "Occupied", the person on the other end said: "It's me..." I was so in shock I couldn't respond. I remained in silence, waited to hear his footsteps walk away. About two minutes I unlocked the door and walked briefly to the counter got my food and walked fast right outta there. 

Upon departing the restaurant I chose to go through the parking lot,As soon as I opened the door for the parking lot I bumped straight into him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  This time I avoided eye contact but I could of obviously see that he was giving me a screw face.I went around him got into the parking lot, then crossed to street briskly.. I didn't even looking back.  

Call me a tease, but I'm not into the cruising or the glory hole scenes.. never have & never will be. I don't knock anyone who's ever done it, but its just not for me.

Elusive

*Ring Ring*
Me: Hello
You: I'm kinda deperssed!
Me: Why? What Happened?
You: I've been living for so long & I'm yet to be in a realationship with someone who loves me unconditionally.
Me: What do you mean, you've been in so much relationships.
You: Why do you always say that, as best friends you suppose to know me and know that with those relationships no one never accepted me 100%.
Me: Im sorry its just that you have more relationships than me and in my mind your pretty experienced with people loving you.
You: (Silence)
Me: Again, I'm Sorry man, but I'm in the same position as you. I've never been in a relationship where I've felt completely confortable with them and they enjoy my flaws.
You: How long do I have to wait?
Me: I dont know!! As long as god grants us favor then we'll have the strenght to keep searching.
You: Thanks
Me: I got to get back to work now, I'll call you later
You: OK, Bye love you!

Not Cooking

I love to eat, but I hate to clean chicken. Cleaning chicken is up their on my list right next to touching a rat.. Its disgusting.

It must suck to be a butcher unless you like blood & mutulating animals.

But sometimes I make up my mind and go to the supermarket, bring it home, put on your gloves, get my lemons out and just take care of it.

Sometimes I wish that I knew someone who enjoy the preperation of meats as much as I enjoy chopping vegetables and baking. Most times I look up to the heavens and say thank you god for giving us humans the knowledge to put together an oven, becuase without an oven I dont know how I would of been able to concort my oven-creations withing the past couple of years.

Fate not Faith

I was listening to a song called: 21 Things I want in a lover.. By; Alanis Morissette This song is amazing, Its like everything I wan't and she's reading my mind. Even though the "Deprecating" part is kinda iffy, Sometimes deprecating can be annoying. If you like, you can replace it with "nice teeth", I do enjoy pearly whites.. Thats a huge turn on.. But there's so much pluses in here that I maybe can deal with the "deprecating" part. Nobodys perfect right?

Here are the lyrics courtesy of her.

"21 Things I Want In A Lover"

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?

Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?

Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know

that it alone does not equate to wisdom?

Do you see everything as an illusion

but enjoy it even though you are not of it?

Are you both masculine and feminine, politically aware, and don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover

Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that

loving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny and self-deprecating, like adventure, and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover

Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter

These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry; I could wait forever

I'm in no rush cause I like being solo

There are no worries and certainly no pressure In the meantime I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed, more than three times a week, up for being experimental?

Are you athletic?

Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother?

Are you not addicted?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover

Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter

These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

Current Status: Part 2

From the day I got the news to now it has been quite a struggle. I think that my depression, my anxiety & sleepless night has only been magnified in the past two years. However the upside to my status is that I have been more clearer in my head than ever before. I've severed all ties with individuals that do not contribute any emotional or mental euphoria to me and I'm in a more happy place than I've ever been (mentally); And right now I'm seeking counsel to address my trust issues.

Before my diagnosis I had been a bit insecure about certain things & I was a victim of being used as a sex object towards men. I didn't portray myself that way but it seems that 80% of men always find me sexually attractive.

As of today I've had a different outlook towards life. I guess its because when you hit rock bottom theirs no place else to go!

Current Status: Part 1

I was living a promiscuous and risky lifestyle and because of that I contracted HIV close to two years ago.

This is a detailed account of what happened on that day:

It went into the clinic to do my regular STD & Rapid-Test and when the consular informed me that I was positive I was in utter disbelief. I asked her to redo the test and twenty minutes later the same results came back. I didn't cry or freak out where people may have to restrain me but that news of my new status had me in a zone. She told me that its not a death sentence like twenty years ago and young healthy looking guys like me life expectancy is the same as most people without the virus with today's current medicine. I didn't want to here anything else from her I just wanted to get out of there!! I quickly gived her the names of the people I was having sex with so they can be contacted and come in for the test and left promptly after.

After leaving the clinic I wanted to vomit, but nothing came up. Then I remembered that my aunt came from New Jersey that same day and she wanted to see me. We had a conversation that lasted a couple of hours but we never discussed my situation because her & most people in my family they are very homophobic and If I tell her news like that combine with my homosexuality it would of surely giving her a premature stroke. It would of just been too much for her to digest, plus I was trying to digest the news of my virus also..

It was like all the stereotypes happened to me that day: Homosexuality = HIV/AIDS

The next day I started work at 8AM and knew that that day we would of been short staff so I couldn't call call in sick or use any of my personal days. Imagine doing triple duty in an office and add over-the-phone & in-person consultation with clients nonstop to the mix!!

I'll continue this conversation in part two tomorrow

Laziness

This blog is practacally new becuase I wanted to change alot of stuff.

I used to manage another blog with close to 200 posts but I've decided that that blog needed to come to and end because I needed to evolve and just be in a more truthfull place.

My title says laziness due to the fact that when i'm bored I dont write and its easier to copy posts from my previous blog and paste it in here.

Should I Regret?

Last night I receded to my dark bedroom. It was cold and filled with memories.

The(MY) depression ambushed me so I was caught off guard and wasn't ready to be surrendered.

My mind felt like it was trapped and soon after the pain from my mind transitioned into a physical pain. Simply put: "My mind was racing and my body was not at peace!!!!!"

My mind proceeded to ask and to play out many questions I wasn't ready to deal it.

• I've been struggling to figure out why I've been the talk of the family(for lack of better words) for not getting out of a situation that I put myself knee deep in. And the answer is: that I'm comfortable there and if I choose another path in my life journey I will gladly embrace it.
• I also think that I deserve fulfilment.
• Between 2-16yrs old my older brother used me as a punching bag while everyone watched as I was being degraded and felt less than a person who's capable of emotions.
• Growing up with my grandparents they made me feel like I was a difficult cross to bear.
• Around the age of 16 I was caught stealing money and was taken to a precinct. My entire family knew about it at the time and I never felt so alone and so embarrassed.

I'm a bit uncomfortable saying some of those conversation starters (above) because its like walking on egg shells and I prefer to pour it out here where no one can actually see me, and stare at me or make me feel judged in anyway way possible.

All I want is to express myself without repercussions, and not remain second best to no one.

yes this post is scattered but I'll trying to bring it together in the near future.

Kindred

I was once told that: "Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family" but I think that that quote is so disparing and it pierces my heart with disbelief each time I hear it.

In my opinion family should be there for/with you regardless of any outcomes and love you even though they are faced with intolerable(for lack of better words) situations.

Dreams... Where are you?

I have the disadvantage of being clinically diagnosed with severe insomnia for many many years; I cant sleep at night. I've tried ambien, ambien-CR and amitriptyline in the past and now I'm on lunesta. Sleep Studies don't work and I don't know any insomniac anonymous classes to attend. It seems like I'm paying for my sins (or someone elses sin if you ask me).

To endure this type of torture is no joke, especially when you gotta go to work and act normal.

When Michael Jackson died I was so scared because I thought that I may be next, you see he had the same problem as me, we cant sleep and no matter how we try to use sedatives to accommodate us our body's get used to it then it stop working, then we need higher dosages, and its feels like a ladder of drugs/sedatives that we need just to shut off our minds for a couple of hours.

When will this sleeplessness end? I'm cranky when I don't sleep and it seems like no one understands that when you sleep your body goes into restoration mood and repair all damaged stuff.


PS: Thats not me chasing the sheeps in the photo

A Laughable Situation

Well I love frasier and this episodes is like one of my favorite. Take a look:

Forgetful

I came on here to talk about something but now I cant remember what it is.

Whenever I remember i'll send myself a text message.

Spill (Let Go)

I don't own a diary and dare not keep one. But I think that this topic deserve to be written because I still carry these baggage of emotions that needs to be released. So here I go

Dear J

It's been maybe over three years since I've last physically seen you and yet your online presence still haunt me with a vengeance.

I've tried to delete you out my life but I need to clear the air.

About a year after we went our separate ways you asked me: "Why do you hate me? Why do you feel turned-off by me? The truth is I've never hated you !!. While living with you it was utter bliss, I loved your accent, your sexual energy & mental stimulation, but soon the sour part came-in when I understood that you could not be 100% attached to me and you found the need to be sexual with other individuals. I know your response will be "But you was doing it too!!!!" but the only reason I did it was because you said "knowing that your partner is messing around with someone else, it turns you on..." so I did it, however I couldn't continue doing it because all I wanted was you, and not share you.

Our communication deteriorated quickly in the last months of our alliance and I felt that I couldn't trust you. Please bare in mind that my brother or your job situation did nothing to influence our disbandment.
I didn't know how to tell you this back then because I was hung up on my own personal problems, insecurities and life choices.

I couldn't be in a love-hate relationship any more so I needed to end it before it went to deep.
Watching you pack your bags & leave was the hardest, I wanted to run to you and hold you, smell you and say don't leave, but it needed to be done.

I'm sorry that their were emotional pain involved, but rest assure that it was on both sides.

In conclusion: long story short: At that particular time the end result was me only seeking peace & not turmoil.

This may be the last time we communicate; Good luck with your future and I hope you find comfort within this email.

Bye

Knowing

Its pretty dificult to understand that when I'm at home I'm usually completly different than when I am at work.

When I am at work I just put on a happy face and do my job.

Does everyone experience this or is it just me?

Violation

Insecurity combined with depression is horrible.

I didn't understand until a couple weeks ago that I was raped. For the past couple of days it hit me like a sledge hammer that this violation of my body actually happened. I was dumbfounded and wondered why I didn't recall this memory before. I placed the entire situation in the back of my mind and labeled it as just rough sex.. But for the past couple of days I realized that it wasn't and then I swung into a deep depression.  I kept feeling sorry for myself and played the part of the victim very well because I thought to myself that I deserve it.

It happened about 4-Years ago. I remember I went online via one of those dating websites and met a man on there. I'm gay and finding a straight man to conquer is an effort in my mind because you have to convince them to have sex with you. He wanted to try it and I quickly cleared my night schedule and met up with him. He came to my home and pick me up in a minivan and took me to his house somewhere in the Queens-Long Island Border.

At his home he performed analingus on me, lubed me up and slid inside of me and within a couple of minutes he was fucking me relentlessly!!! I don't know if its the thrill that made him so aggressive or the fact that I was not having sex with anyone (so I was extremely tight). It was over in about 10 minutes, I felt kind of used as soon as it was over and I just wanted to go home. While getting a ride home from him, the vehicle was quiet and he just blurted out: "I'll never fuck another dude again", I didn't know how to comprehend this because one part of my mind was saying: whatever dude and the other part was saying: that's what all straight guys say their first time experience.

After getting home I jumped in the shower and washed off the dirtiness from my body. My mind continued to express conflicting thoughts. One minute I was thinking: Maybe it was just rough sex and the next minute I was thinking "yeah definitely I was raped".

After years of suppressing the feelings I'm a little bit more clear and now I know for a fact that if your having consensual rough sex your anus is not supposed to feel ripped up for days on end and take weeks to heal.

Where should I go from here? I've never told anyone this..